Im not okay but who the fuck is???

blah blah blah

Note to self… get your shit straight now

I always dreamed of a love, someone to accept me for me. Its been my bane of my existence, But thats so flawed. Now I realize I avoided loving myself, why I haven’t a clue. I also haven’t the time to retrace my many missteps. Thats the past and I’ve spent to many sleepless nights worried about the elephant in the room. I’ve always thought highly of myself or so I thought. Upon further inspection it was all bullshit. I masked the pain of my loneliness with either meaningless folks or trivial pursuits. When im bored and looking in the mirror do I believe in what I’ve built? NO.. do I want more, do I deserve it?? Yes and I’m not sure at all. Have I been all I could for anyone besides myself? I cannot say I have because anytime the road got rough or I didn’t get what I thought was earned I bolted. Seems rational , but is it? Did I ever really take a chance? Did I challenge myself or just take what was given? Thats the point we’re it all goes dark. I’ve said I loved and I have to a degree. Never hitting the heights id imagined or dreamed. Am I capable of this? Not sure but id like to challenge myself to see. A friend said I’m one of the most selfish people and I was offended for a few seconds. But the crushing guilt of the fact he’s probably right has had me vexed since that moment. I don’t wanna be this way anymore. I don’t want to push I don’t wanna have to fill my time with the meaningless. I want the sparks people sing about, I want what the greatest writers wrote about. I don’t want to wonder or ask myself late at night why I sleep alone. I am very much so incomplete and I guess accepting this is my first step. I want so much more but haven’t taken it seriously enough. Time is on no mans side. Life is nothing but the time we have, and I’m over wasting it. I used to pray to a god im not certain ever existed and all my wishing on a falling stars are categorized in the same fairytale world. I no longer wish and the only person I pray to is my mother for her forgiveness. I never listen I never understood because I was an impatient twat. So many people havr thrown their hands up in frustration of my actions. For that I apologize I appreciate the attempts but nothing changes before their ready to change. I built walls that no one could ever climb, my expectations so emense that everyone with sense bide ado. I don’t blame them. Hindsight 20/20 but going forward adjustments must be made. Thoughts that are unhealthy must be washed away. Self doubt must be overcome and replaced with the confidence im so great at faking. I must actually challenge myself daily. Being the smartest broke person isn’t my place. My task is simply for most but when you’ve spent most of your time doing everything the opposite of the norm there will be tough times ahead. I know its all on me, probably my last chance to change course before I go full Bukowski. I feel im not lost yet, I just lost the plot of my own dreams. Some how I settled for half of what I am or can be. I can be better I can be the best. I’m not going to say I will be but I will give it all ive got. I’ll let you guys judge that. Im over judging im over caring about anything besides what’s in front of me. One task at a time, first me and then maybe the world. But I cannot change the world without first changing myself. I appreciate those who’ve stuck by my side and always saw me for me. Loved me for my fucked up self. I know it wasn’t easy, I have a tendency of not making sense and being brutal on those at the first sign of disagreement Better and brighter times ahead I hope. I know nothing is promised but I promise to live my life trying fuck im going to die trying to bring more joy to the world because at the end of the day we all want the same things.

zephyrboyss:

Jay Adams was not the greatest pool skater, nor was he the greatest bank skater, or the greatest slalom skater or the greatest freestyler. The fact is, Jay Adams’ contribution to skateboarding defies description or category. Jay Adams is probably not the greatest skater of all time, but I can say without fear of being wrong that he is clearly the archetype of modern-day skateboarding. Archetype defined means an original pattern or model, a prototype. Prototype defined means the first thing or being of its kind. He’s the real thing, an original seed, the original virus that infected all of us. He was beyond comparison. To this day I haven’t witnessed any skater more vital, more dynamic, more fun to watch, more unpredictable, and more spontaneous in his approach than Jay. There are not enough superlatives to describe him. - Stacy Peralta

Jay adams have inspired so many people to this day, and he will continue on doing that, legends never die. Rest in paradise Jay, you will never be forgotten ♡

zephyrboyss:

Jay Adams was not the greatest pool skater, nor was he the greatest bank skater, or the greatest slalom skater or the greatest freestyler. The fact is, Jay Adams’ contribution to skateboarding defies description or category. Jay Adams is probably not the greatest skater of all time, but I can say without fear of being wrong that he is clearly the archetype of modern-day skateboarding. Archetype defined means an original pattern or model, a prototype. Prototype defined means the first thing or being of its kind. He’s the real thing, an original seed, the original virus that infected all of us. He was beyond comparison. To this day I haven’t witnessed any skater more vital, more dynamic, more fun to watch, more unpredictable, and more spontaneous in his approach than Jay. There are not enough superlatives to describe him. - Stacy Peralta

Jay adams have inspired so many people to this day, and he will continue on doing that, legends never die. Rest in paradise Jay, you will never be forgotten ♡

lllnomadlll:

Charles Bukowski | Acrylics on canvas | 100x140cm
Cheers!
“I’ve never been lonely. I’ve been in a room — I’ve felt suicidal. I’ve been depressed. I’ve felt awful — awful beyond all — but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me…or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I’ve never been bothered with because I’ve always had this terrible itch for solitude. It’s being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. I’ll quote Ibsen, “The strongest men are the most alone.” I’ve never thought, “Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I’ll feel good.” No, that won’t help. You know the typical crowd, “Wow, it’s Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?” Well, yeah. Because there’s nothing out there. It’s stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I’ve never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn’t want to hide in factories. That’s all. Sorry for all the millions, but I’ve never been lonely. I like myself. I’m the best form of entertainment I have. Let’s drink more wine!”Charles Bukowski
Original for sale
For more of my art visit me here:
Website | Shop | Facebook | Instagram | Pinterest

lllnomadlll:

Charles Bukowski | Acrylics on canvas | 100x140cm

Cheers!

“I’ve never been lonely. I’ve been in a room — I’ve felt suicidal. I’ve been depressed. I’ve felt awful — awful beyond all — but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me…or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I’ve never been bothered with because I’ve always had this terrible itch for solitude. It’s being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. I’ll quote Ibsen, “The strongest men are the most alone.” I’ve never thought, “Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I’ll feel good.” No, that won’t help. You know the typical crowd, “Wow, it’s Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?” Well, yeah. Because there’s nothing out there. It’s stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I’ve never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn’t want to hide in factories. That’s all. Sorry for all the millions, but I’ve never been lonely. I like myself. I’m the best form of entertainment I have. Let’s drink more wine!”

Charles Bukowski

Original for sale

For more of my art visit me here:

Website | Shop Facebook | Instagram | Pinterest

lllnomadlll:

Charles Bukowski | Acrylics on canvas | 100x140cm
Cheers!
“I’ve never been lonely. I’ve been in a room — I’ve felt suicidal. I’ve been depressed. I’ve felt awful — awful beyond all — but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me…or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I’ve never been bothered with because I’ve always had this terrible itch for solitude. It’s being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. I’ll quote Ibsen, “The strongest men are the most alone.” I’ve never thought, “Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I’ll feel good.” No, that won’t help. You know the typical crowd, “Wow, it’s Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?” Well, yeah. Because there’s nothing out there. It’s stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I’ve never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn’t want to hide in factories. That’s all. Sorry for all the millions, but I’ve never been lonely. I like myself. I’m the best form of entertainment I have. Let’s drink more wine!”Charles Bukowski
Original for sale
For more of my art visit me here:
Website | Shop | Facebook | Instagram | Pinterest

I know what I want for my bday

lllnomadlll:

Charles Bukowski | Acrylics on canvas | 100x140cm

Cheers!

“I’ve never been lonely. I’ve been in a room — I’ve felt suicidal. I’ve been depressed. I’ve felt awful — awful beyond all — but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me…or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I’ve never been bothered with because I’ve always had this terrible itch for solitude. It’s being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. I’ll quote Ibsen, “The strongest men are the most alone.” I’ve never thought, “Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I’ll feel good.” No, that won’t help. You know the typical crowd, “Wow, it’s Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?” Well, yeah. Because there’s nothing out there. It’s stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I’ve never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn’t want to hide in factories. That’s all. Sorry for all the millions, but I’ve never been lonely. I like myself. I’m the best form of entertainment I have. Let’s drink more wine!”

Charles Bukowski

Original for sale

For more of my art visit me here:

Website | Shop Facebook | Instagram | Pinterest

I know what I want for my bday

cantess:

The man who made many childhoods magical.  Whether I was watching hook as a wee bonny lass, or studying dead poets society in college, this funny man always proved to be talented, versitile and magical. Its such a shame when the world loses people like Robin Williams. Deaths of superstars never hit home, but this was a heavy blow to my heart. Oh captain my captain, may your eternal slumber be as wonderous for you as you had made our lives, as today I sadly close a chapter of my younger years.

cantess:

The man who made many childhoods magical. Whether I was watching hook as a wee bonny lass, or studying dead poets society in college, this funny man always proved to be talented, versitile and magical. Its such a shame when the world loses people like Robin Williams. Deaths of superstars never hit home, but this was a heavy blow to my heart. Oh captain my captain, may your eternal slumber be as wonderous for you as you had made our lives, as today I sadly close a chapter of my younger years.

(via ignitethedusk)

You waste your time questioning life instead of living life. When you order something and you say “Can I have?” instead of “I’ll have.” Before every act of impulse you ask, “Should I?” or “What if..?” Stop questioning, kid. If you keep on doubting throughout your whole life, on your death bed you’ll still be questioning “what could have been.” Do you want to die wondering? Or do you want to live entirely?

—stop questioning life, and live it  (via wanduring)

(Source: xistant, via pathetic-at-night)